June 30, 2005
The Arrival of...the Fucking Vain Bitch!!! aka Kyn~~~!!!
Welcome back again, honey. Make this return a return of revelations.
It always feel more complete just knowing you are back in the arms of the SBC, to this little red dot where bitches roam freely.
I don't know between you and Wenn, who would be the more unreliable co-ordinator... but, really, IF I ever have to be the back-up, do give me at least 2 hours in advance.
Great to have you back! *smooch~* *evil twinkle in right eye...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:18
June 29, 2005
Chancing upon...I came across the following song just now... it reminds me of secondary school days. Days when there were rampant KTV sessions, both at home and outside.
I sang this song at a time when I hardly know what love is about. Having had a chance to look at it again, I found the lyrics quite beautifully written. A positive break-up song, if that's possible.
Those of you who can sing this too, we belong to the same era eh? hoho... Someday, let's go sing our heart out, sing the jadedness out. *smile*
��哄�� by Winnie Hsin, Xin Xiao Qi.
��� ��� ��� ��� 瀛� ��� 瑕� 瀛� 绡� ��� ��� ���
璺� 涓� 浜� 娣� ��� ��� 澶� 妯�
��� 涓� 浣� ��� ��� 灏� 瑕� 璁� ��� 涓� ��� 涔�
��� ��� ��� 褰� 瀛� 婕� 妯� 绯�
涓� ��� ��� 涓� 涓� 涓� 娈� 娌� 婧� ��� 涓� ���
��� 涓� ��� ��� ��� ��� 瑕� ���
��� ��� ��� ��� 浜� 绲� ��� ��� ��� 瑕� 绲� ���
��� ��� 涓� 娆� ��� 寰� 浜�
��� ��� ��� 蹇� ��� ��� ��� 杩� 婧� ��� ��� ��� ���
浜� ��� 妗� ��� ��� 妯� 妯� ��� ��� ���
��� ��� ��� 锕� 锕� 锕�
娌� 榛� 涓� 瑾� ��� 娅� 绐� 绲� ��� 瑷� ��� ��� 缍�
瑾� 璁� ��� ��� ��� 杩� ��� ��� 浣� ���
��� ��� 浣� ��� 灏� ��� ��� 绲� ��� 蹇�
��� ��� ��� 婧� ��� 濂� 浜� 璨� 缇� 楹� 琛� 瑁�
��� ��� 绲� 浣� ��� 绁� 绂� ��� ��� 蹇�
寰� 姝� 浠� 涔� ��� 涓� ���
涓� 杓� 瀛� 灏� 浣� ��� 蹇�
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:55
June 27, 2005
There's no bite in soft words.Did I really say and wrote in here that I am going to write in a non-ambiguous way and in a simpler manner? haha...
Did you people really believe me? hahahahaha~~~
Mid year resolution aborted. The ambiguities shall persevere!!! Yay~
xxx
So sad I almost cried...I was trying to teach Jerm Chinese today. We did reading mostly. Her reading was quite all right. In fact, her standard was better than I expected. The mum was worried for her confusing different words of similar pronounciation. She decided that it was her problem area.
Believe it or not, I rarely had problem in this area in all my years of learning the language in school. Even up till JC, when many classmates ended up having the maximum of 10 marks deducted from their essay 'cos of mistaken words, I usually would be able to get through with very minimal deduction in this area. I think it's cos I'm a perfectionist. I don't like to write things if I don't know for sure it's correct.
Anyway, I was a bit caught surprised by my reaction to Jerm's mum's request to guide her in our Mother Tongue. I was, sadly, reluctant.
You would have thought I would be happy to coach in Chinese, since I have made it quite plain here that I enjoy the language, enough to blog in it. I guess I would be. If only the environment is more conducive. If only MOE is not paying lip service to what I feel is the real importance of any language. If only the kids today are a bit more keen and excited about their mother tongue as a second language. Duh. Who can blame them?
I felt a pang of sadness when I was waiting for the bus to go home. Sad that I felt that way, sorry that I did.
xxx
Waves of friends.My dad commented that I seemed to make friends like waves. The conversation started with him asking why was it that I haven't been hanging out with Eugene for some time. Fact is, Eug is the only guy friend that my Dad actually remembers (as lao shi, cos he teaches) and would ask after (or for?) periodically.
I explained that I've been meeting up with my old friends just that he doesn't know it. Essentially, cos I havent gotten my dad to drive us home for sometime. That's when he started to ask for Wenn. Asked why am I not hanging out with Wenn. He's kinda used to driving Wenn and me home on late weekend nights.
So, I explained that I met them and just didn't get him to send us back. That's all.
That's when he commented that I seem to make friends like waves. One wave of them will come for a period of time, stay for awhile and then, slowly, they disappear from the scene. Then, of course, another wave comes.
I thought that was quite amusing and infuriating. Amusing cos if I were him, I might think the same way too. Infuriating cos I do keep in close contact with my close friends, especially that few. Just that he doesn't know when we meet. And I'm not obliged to report to him.
Waves of friends... I'm not a wave; I'm part of the ocean.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:59
June 26, 2005
Write 'True' or 'False' for the below state of emotions for the statement(s) preceeding.School is reopening for Term 3 tomorrow! Emotion state: Yay!!!
I have a new student in my class. He reminds me of one of my older students who helped earned me my reputation of a 'teacher who can run very fast'. Emotion state: Yay!!!
The first 2 periods of tomorrow are mine - Discovery skills. Emotion state: Yay!!!
My class line-up position in the hall is right behind Kay's, and in between CJ and Zie. Emotion state: Yay!!!
My class will have a complete split from the other P2 class this term. Except for P.E, Gym, Leisure Skills and I.T (which I'm teaching). Emotion state: Yay!!!
The library, by hook or crook, will be launched in week 3. Emotion state: Yay!!!
My co-teacher and I are planning 2 class outings for our class. Emotion state: Yay!!!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:17
She's coming back! She's the FVB!I've just been to Kyn's blog. Wonder why is it that she rarely sound happy in her blog, the time that she's in HK.
I thought we agreed to let her go only because we knew she'd be pursuing her dreams there and she'd be happy doing that. I guess, the former doesn't necessarily bring about the latter. Especially not when your dream takes you to a place like HK, with people of all kinds who have all kinds of agenda, people who doesn't forgive mistakes easily, and away from the people you sorta 'grew up' with. And away from the food you grew up on. heh...
But anyway, Kyn is coming back for a short weekend next week. She warned me not to fall sick again this time round. Because pubbing, dancing and high-tea are all on the plate.
OK, OK! I just took my medicine leftover from the last time. I will sleep early tonight. Meanwhile, I hope she stays insane. Let's get her drunk again... hoho...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:03
Freaking the Bblics out.Bblics looked quite freaked out yesterday at the bus-stop, when I commented that it was quite obvious that she looked at her in a different way, listened to her in a different way and talked to her in a different way as compared to when she did with the rest of us. I told Bblics to consider her ("Singapore's too small to stay fixated on just one sex"). She asked if I'm serious. I answered the affirmative. That's when she started freaking out a little.
I rarely see Bblics freak out. It was funny. But, I still think she should think about it. She is, arguably, better-looking than many guys I know. haha
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:56
What keeps you going?Answered in the context of where I work, I say 'The SPG!' We call ourselves the Stinky Pants Group. A random name during one of the training sessions in the Com Lab that stuck to become our label. Snuffing out...
CJ, whose sunshine-y smile and very nice, deep dimples will brighten up any day when my lesson plans failed to be executed. Zie, whose laughter (or cackle?) is soooo contagious that I often find myself smiling while burrowed in a pile of workbooks with very discouraging answers. Kay, whose frequent-sighted puzzled/upset/confused-frown is so endearing I find myself smiling instead of getting impatient with her.
We, together with Anne, made Tiramisu at my house on Friday. We chatted the afternoon away in my bedroom while the Tiramisu froze up in the fridge. While I was in the kitchen, I heard laughter from my room. And I smiled. I like laughter like that. Laughter when friends come together, seat themselves cosy and chat, joke and gossip (usually it's the gossip that's really funny... haha). I used to have a lot of these when I was in Secondary school and my girlfriends and I were much closer and less-worldly as we are today. Laughing over stupid things, and at one another.
It was so fun seeing them crack the egg up and attempting to separate the egg yolk from the white, beating up the white for the little bubbles to surface, spreading the min 88% fat on the layers of coffee and XO-soaked fingers and dusting the lumpy cocoa powder on the dessert. I hope the result was yummy.
We should really have more of this modulating sessions.
xxx
Is it me or is it the presentation?I did a presentation of the library that I was involved in setting up on Friday. Powerpoint slideshow, nothing totally impressive but succinct enough, I think.
My audience was giggling, some laughing, from the start till the end. I was absolutely puzzled. There I was, trying to present the library matter-of-factly, on all the work that has been put into it, the many meetings the committee had with the designers and the boss, the trip to the library and the bookfair, the drudegery of getting the books ready for loan, the alphabetical test during the shelving... and there they were, giggling.
I was not offended. Why would I be? It probably only meant I looked funny that day in a cardigan over a halter-neck and pants, or I'm a really entertaining presenter. Either way, I wouldn't have taken it in a bad light.
So, after the presentation, I approached a few of those who were heard giggling the loudest. I was told that it was me who was funny (no, not the presentation). Because I
1. was doing a lot of self-talk, mumbling to myself.
2. seemed to be whining to myself, voicing out my thoughts in the midst of presenting and though they could hear the message about the library, they couldn't hear my whining. I guess they were equally interested in what I was whining about.
3. looked very relaxed and nonchalant about the presentation when the earlier presenters were quite obviously gancheong.
4. sounded very sian and sick of having need to do the presentation and even a bit sarcastic.
5. threw their expectation of me as a no-nonsense, professional and potentially boring presenter out of the window once I started the slideshow.
Erm, hullo... How else would I present this project, except in the way that I really feel towards it?
That would be a bit of whining, a bit of sarcasm, a bit of tiredness, many many self-thoughts, many many matters-of-fact, and nonchalance (because having been through it from start till now, I know it so well already!). Ok, I would whine louder the next time.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:11
Happy Birthday, Xbf.I don't forget everything of a person just to get over him. I only decide to get over everything about him. Technically, forgetting someone is not quite the same as getting over someone. But, that shall be another Love & dating entry... soon...
xxx
Passionfruit Golden AleThat was my choice of ale yesterday at Brewerkz. Nice, light and fruity. Shaohao had the IPA - bitter... but smooth finish. Wenn had... the remaining half of my Passionfruit Golden Ale when I decided I can't finish it cos of an emerging symptom of the cold in the throat.
side note: my mum's the prophet! I'm trying very hard now to nurse my immunity (specifically to yet another bout of the flu) so I don't give my mum a chance to say, 'see! I told you so!'
Shepherd's Pie and Sausages and Mash. Yummy! But, due to (yet another) episode of TBS, I found I couldn't send the food down smoothly into wherever it should be heading towards. I HATE under-wire bras.
Great time though! He taught me a few French phrases, which he thought would be extremely useful for me. Yet, he didn't know how to scold in French! My gosh... I thought the whole point of learning a language as refined- sounding as French was so you can scold other people and make it sound like you're saying something really nice? You owe me huh, handsome!
I don't know was it because we haven't met up for sometime except our occasional crap on MSN, or was it because it took him this long to 'warm up'... I think he sounded more talkative and crappy now than when I knew him 2 years ago. Was it 2 years?
I am soooo looking forward to the next match-making session 'designed' for you and... hehe! Excited neh~~~
See u soon, ok! *wink...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:46
June 22, 2005
Who are all you angels?My mood took quite a sharp turn today when D asked about the progress of the library. She didn't seem to have much optimism in the progress of the library. I wonder if she knew enough from boss what is happening in the library, and well, the discovery hub too. Honestly, if you are going to pile so much other work, planning, scrubbing the floor, cleaning up hall, setting classrooms to the teachers, when do you expect them to find the time to sit down together and discuss a project? Nish and Thila are busy with their own work. I'm lucky Florence is actually a very easy-going partner and she is not petty about things and division of work. So, I get to do my part for the project when the others had their hands tied with their own work.
I must have looked quite stressed. Maybe I am, or maybe it's just that when I'm concentrating on something, I tend to look rather stern and no-nonsense. Whatever it was, I whined a fair bit. To cj and Ah girl.
After lunch, Ah girl (Bless the darling, for helping me so much these few days) and I went up to the library, hoping to finish whatever stuff we can. I found the door unlocked. It could only mean someone's inside.
3 someones. Nish, Thila and Jean. They were already working on the mundane work of cutting the vanguard sheets for the loan cards, pasting, etc. For a moment there, I was really touched. Yes, the library is their project too. But, I know they are all preoccupied with other work too. The point is, I wasn't expecting them and Jean to be there. I went up, with the intention to just carry on the mundane work that I've been doing all day for the past 3 days. It was getting to a point when it was therapeutic. Almost.
Somehow, I know they knew I was affected by D's question. Thila has always been very encouraging whenever I told her that boss has been asking about the library (again). They must have known and decided to share that stress with me. ha.. Stress is, however, a selfish thing. Once it gets shared, it almost immediately dissolves.
I wonder if they know I really appreciate it, appreciate their making it sound like it's nothing to come up to the library to help me. Them, angelic people around me. Them, Thila, Nish, Jean, Kay, CJ, Cindy and Florence for giving me a certain peace of mind about tomorrow's orientation.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:53
untitled浠� 澶╋��寰� 寮� 蹇����浠� 澶╋����� ��� 浜� 涓� ��� Little Black Book ��� Something that I didn't see coming. Probably cos I'm usually quite sharp, ��� ��� 浜� ��� 涓� ��� 寰� 灏� ��� ��� ���I'm not someone who is easily surprised, unfortunately.
涓� 杩�锛�浠� 澶╋��I was sweetly surprised.
瑕� ��� ��� 涔� 璇� ���锛� How prolonged the smile on my face was, is not important. It's not a good measure of how much I appreciate the gesture, the gift. What is appreciate? I don't know. I think it's like saying that something touched your heart and you kind of like that feeling. It's more than saying 'Thank you', more than the polite thing to say. It's more like saying that something has etched in your memory, in your heart. It's more like saying that in that instant of my life, in that moment, the moment was all filled with thoughts of you���It's saying that 杩� ��� 绋� ��� 璁� ��� 澶� 灏� ��� ��� ��撅����� 涓� 杩� 涓� ��� ��� 浣�锛�杩� 涓� 璺� 璧� ��� ��� ��� ��� 寰� ������
��� ��� ��� ��� 浠� ��� 绛� 浣� ��� 绗� 涓� 涓� ��� 棰����
��� 涓� ��� 涓� 涓� 浣�锛�甯� 甯� ��� ��� ��� ��� 绗� 瀹� 绛� 杩� ��� 蹇� ���锛�濂� 姣� ��� 涓� ��� ��� ��� ��� ��� ��� ���锛���� 寮� 浜� 涓� ��� ��� 涓� ��� ��� 澶� 绐�锛�澶� ��� ��� 灏� 杩� ��ワ����� 涓� ��� ��� 涔� 浜� 浜� 璧� ��ャ��
瑕� 璇� ���锛�杩� ��� 寰� 澶������� ��� 璧帮��婕� 婕� ��� 璧帮����� 浼� ��� ��� ��� 璇� 浣� ���������
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:28
June 19, 2005
�����宠�寸�����...浜� ��� 灏� ���
1��� ��� 瀵� 瀹�
2��� ��� ��� 瀹�
3��� 瑙� ��� 瀹�
4��� 蹇� ��� 瀹�
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:03
Pain = livingSome of my friends told me that they sometimes need to feel pain in order to know that they are still living. They push themselves to the limits, find ways to occupy their time and spend their energy (sometimes, whatever little that is left). Never mind falling sick, never mind all the aches, because pain is what they are after. Because feeling pain serves as a reminder that they are still living. I think it's like trying to pinch yourself to make sure that you are not dreaming when in a too-good-to-be-true situation.
I went jogging on Friday. In Macritchie reservoir. I liked it there! There was a lot of fauna and animals information, pond animals, etc, to distract me from my jogging. Very pretty inside, hidden away from the noise and air pollution from the roads outside. It has been sometime since my last night jogging in Bishan Park with Laoge. Whoa, really a long time! A year, I think.
Then, due to some inability to reject a randomly insane suggestion by Ah girl, and a lack of excuse since bblics was also into the suggestion, I found myself cycling in East Coast Park around 10pm that day. It's been an even longer time since I last rented a bike and cycled. We are looking at 3 years and more.
Currently, the back of my thighs and my calves are still aching a little. I don't need to feel pain to be conscious of living. But, I like aches from exercising because I can then persuade myself that I'm living a healthy lifestyle, in spite of a stubborn deficiency in weight.
xxx
A neat splatter of Mandarin��� 涓� ���锛���� 浠� 涔� 绾� 浜� ��� ��点����� 瀹� ��� ��� ��� 寰� ��� 宸� ��� ��� 涓� 浜� Wenn锛���� 浠� ��� 浠� 灏� 寰� ��� 宸� ��� ��� 绾� ��� ECP���楠� 浜� ��� 韪� 杞� ���锛���� 浠� 涔� ��� ��� ��� 杞� ��� Bt Timah ��� 瀹� 澶����杩� ���锛���� ��� ��� ��� 浠� 杞� ��� 濂� ��� ��� ��� - Mustafa ��� 瑙� 璇� 涓� 涓����
��� ��� 杩� 涓� 濡� ��� ��ャ����� ���锛���� ��� Wenn ��� 榛� 濂� 濂� ��� 浜�锛�寰� 杞� ��� 灏� ��� ��� ��� 椤� ��� ��� ��� ���瑷����濂� 璇� 浠� ��� ��� 浠� ��� ��� ��� ��讹����� 濂� ��� 娆� 浣� 寮� 浜猴����� ��� ��� ��� 琚� ��� ��� Wenn 娆� 璐������� 瑙� 寰� 濂� 濂� ���锛���� 璋� 娆� 璐� 璋� 浜�锛� 涓� ��� ��� ��� 灏� 绠� 浜�锛�杩� 涓� ��� ��� ��� 濂� ��� 杈� 榛� 绀� 浼� 杞� 涓� ��� 涓� 瑗裤��涓� 姝� 杩� ��凤�� 濂� 杩� 瀵� ��� 澶� 澹� ���锛� 涓� 浼� ��匡����� 璇� ��� 瓒� ��� 瓒� 涓� 姝� 缁�锛�涓� 浼� ��匡����� 璇� Wenn ��� 澶� 澶�锛�涓� 浼� ��匡����� 楠� ��� 澶� ��� ��� ��� 濂� ��� 杞� ��ㄣ����������� ��� 寰� 杩� ��� neh锛� Hee hee
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:05
June 17, 2005
Stars on the horizonMy Bintan trip with Ah Girl was wonders-full. We stayed at Mayang Sari, one of the resorts managed by Nirwana Gardens. Great choice. Because it's away from the resort hotel yet near enough to walk (or take the internal shuttle bus) to use the hotel facilities if we wanted. It's much quieter, less touristy and we had our suite with a sea view. It's a bit like the Costa Sands chalet at East Coast Park, except the suite is bigger, better furnished and the beach is cleaner, sand finer, prettier.
Half of the first 2 days we were there, it was cloudy and rainy. We resorted to drawing some cheap food item (specifically, you2 tiao2, aka dough fritters) that my Mum said could help to stop the rain. Entirely no logic but desperate as we were, we tried. It worked, coincidentally perhaps. We played frisbee on the beach. I took a short nap too. Both forms of activities help to explain the red of my skin now. It's quite nice, though. I mean, it's been really long since I last saw my skin this tanned. But I don't tend to stay tanned for long.
We had seafood on the 2nd day. At The Kelong. I didn't go on this trip expecting cheap food. So, I guess I was pretty prepared to pay. And pay, I did. At the same price as I would pay for seafood in Singapore. Still, it was very nice at the kelong restaurant. Actually, the dinner the day before was pretty good too. It felt like eating at home cos the lady boss allowed us into what seemed like her own living room to have our dinner. It was raining and we felt it would be quite cold seated outside (where most of the tables were). So, we asked for indoor seating. The lady boss showed us into this supposedly VIP seating which was actually just like a living room and her father was on the sofa watching TV. I felt like a guest more than a customer. Nevertheless, my gastric acted up and Ah Girl had to finish up most of the food. It's really my ill-doing if she needs to go on a diet. haha
To kill time indoor, we played games. Brain-wrecking games, silly games and nerves-wrecking games. And some back-breaking massages. Hmm... Now this is getting suggestive.
It was a great trip. Somehow, I found myself smiling to myself a lot more on the way back. And, occasionally, laughing. 'Tis what getting away is about, innit?
Now, we are recharged and ready for work next week... But, foremostly, Ah girl has got to get her sleeping pattern back on track.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:14
June 16, 2005
Disclaimer: This is an exclusive entry. If it sounds ambiguous or confusing to you, it's obviously not meant for your comprehension. The fish that changed our worldview.Stingray 2 and 3. Wonder who in their school sabotaged Stingray 3 to be on this trip together. They didn't seem to enjoy the company of each other a lot. Very unlike their two young 'giggly' neighbours from Stingray 2.
The moment of truth vs the moment of dare.That would be the same cup but so much more fabric! Nice sports bra though. hahaha... IF you ever hit 31, I... am not going to ditch you but I'm gonna declare a state of emergency (spells d-i-e-t).
Twinkle, twinkle little stars...It was the second time I sat out at sea and gazed up in the dark dark sky, wondering what the stars were, how far away are they and how big is this universe that makes a speck out of me. It was chilly, a bit frightening and I think the word I should have used is 'lonely'. Because in such a huge, huge space, just me alone felt damn lonely. I'm thankful I had you with me then.
The missing step in the work system.There's nothing wrong in helping to close off a shower foam, a moisturizer, or a toner. But it's funny cos it's my first time having need to do that for a travel partner everytime she steps out of the shower.
40 degree errorI wish I could say it's really not my fault (it's the wind lahhh) that my frisbee was so out of the intended path. But, I suspect it's the pancake or the super sour yoghurt or the tea! Ya! Must be the tea. I had that, you didn't.
Control of the keysIn a buggy ride. Was great fun, even though you almost bumped me off. The blue bird was really pretty.
There's always the food. Thank you for finishing up all the Tofu, chicken and fish. Erm... I really am not much help (and hope) when it comes to eating in quantity. Oh, and all those Koka, Marshmellow biscuits, pretzels and what not. Ok. I know it's partly my fault if I had to declare the state of emergency as noted above.
A rainbow of creativity.I'm sure they would clean the table off though I wish they didn't have to. It's really pretty and I truly was made quite speechless by it. I did say something to the 2 gerberas. I told them I'm sorry I had to leave them behind. That's when I decided to bring just one stalk back. That stalk is living out its lifespan on my table.
All the questions in the worldJust shoot. You can ask and I will answer. Maybe not immediately. But I always try.
All the massages in the worldPrint the loyalty card. Every 10 stamps will get you a trump card. How's that? Don't say I'm always unfair.
It's all about you.Period.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:15
June 14, 2005
Say it like it is.My mid-year resolution w.r.t this space is out. I'm going to try to write less ambiguously, using simpler words, and *ahem, less sarcasm. It's a resolution because it's something that is not totally easy for me to do. I'm so used to building more tunnels in the maze.. opps! Here I go again, so fast! What I meant was, I am so used to writing so ambiguously in order to protect myself and my image, in order to instill more distance between the people reading me and me. But, I end up not really knowing what I'm writing is what I meant to write. Hence, I've decided to fuck it all. Love me? Then, love me stupid and ugly.
Expect to see.. erm.. more names? More specific details? More vulgarities? Hey, I personally feel many complicated emotions and feelings towards events and people in life can be neatly summed up in a few vulgarities. In other words, expect less entries.
Opps.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:11
June 13, 2005
Where did we left off?Popped by FVB's blog. It's been some time since I last brought up 'FVB' in my blog. She said she misses the crap and the bitching. When I read that, my thought was 'Bloody hell, I miss it too!'
I miss bitching about other people with you. People that we know and we don't. People who usually sit in a bigger office quite near us and get to sign our request for leave. People we knew from some point in our lives and wish that we don't bump into on the streets.
BB is in Turkey. If she's here, I think she'd tell me to go and sleep and maybe, I'd not feel so fucked up. Or, she will encourage me in prolonging this feeling by giving her personal input.
SBC, where did we left off?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:35
Tilted.I think, when you love yourself too much, like 102%, you tend to forget that you need love from other people too. It becomes a natural defense mechanism to fend off any gestures of love from other people. Not because it's not good enough; more because, it disarms you from the 102%. You will rather have that 102% that is already in your nest than to exchange 5% for something that might fluctuate. To have that 5% safe in nest surely beats having anything that changes with time?
I think, when you love yourself too much, like 102%, you tend to forget that it is possible for other people to love you for all that you are different from the rest. After all, who needs to believe that when you already are secure in the knowledge that when all failed to know you, you still have yourself? The irony is, there is minimal need for you to believe that you are lovable. Because you know you already are.
Sometimes, the scale will not balance. Sometimes, you wake up wondering if you are the only one who is capable of being in love with yourself.
That's kinda fucked up, don't you think?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:08
June 12, 2005
This one's inspired from a pea.I'm listening to my chinese mp3s now. A whole CD of chinese mp3s I got from all over during my rampant downloading days. Listening to these music in my mother tongue makes me feel... hmm... assured, secure and comfortable on this i'm-feeling- slightly-insecure-and-strange night.
The mind, however, is on the question on ah girl's blog. ==> What types of people do you get along best with? In other words, what are the characteristics or personalities that best "fit" you?
Before I even attempt to answer, my disclaimer: I tend to sprout more nonsense than usual during certain days of the month. Occasionally, the nonsense makes me appear to be less who I am than who I am; most of the time, it confuses myself. Get my drift? Good. Here goes...
I sometimes think that deep inside, I actually don't get along with people at all. That might explain why, on the surface, I seem to get along just fine with most people. Sometimes, people lose me. Meaning, I end up being someone who one can be very close with but without really knowing. Sometimes, I lose people. I don't want to be in the company of anyone. I retreat into a very exclusive sphere with only my own company. Sometimes, I lose myself, if you know what I mean. Don't ask me to explain.
What are the personalities that best fit me? The minimal, I guess, is to have a real personality. You know, not someone who keeps getting stepped over because they are trying to blend in with the rest. Having said that, don't we all blend in with the environment in one way or another? So, where's the line? Don't I, too, blend in with most of the world around me? Otherwise, how do I explain 'getting along just fine with most people'? Maybe, I'm the one who's always trying to fit with everyone around me. Yes, I'm the one who has no real personality.
We already alluded to this long ago. But, since we're on this, I don't mind 'reassuring' myself again... that I'm one of the best in this cast, on this super big stage called the 'world', show entitled 'The bizarre life'.
I think I didn't really answer the question. Well... I gave my best.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:26
June 11, 2005
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Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:59
June 10, 2005
Sign to enterAnother one of my close gerfrens will be getting married on the 9th Sept, 5 minutes to 9.45am. I'm quite sure there will be some delay and hence, they will still end up saying 'I do' at 9.45am (or later). It's a lot of 'nine's - which has the same sound as 'long' in Mandarin.
It's been long, all right. Juan and Raymond is the couple that has always been sorta 'inspiring' to the disillusioned in the group. That will be Wenn and me. 7 years ago, they knew each other through a sheer twist of fate which I was involved in. It's quite an 'achievement' to hear that they have decided to sign on the same piece of paper.
It is quite a strange feeling when you hear close and old friends talking about marriage with another friend you have also known for a long time. It's like... it's sweet and reassuring to know that some things never change, some relationship grow and not divide. At the same time, many things have changed, many relationships of many other friends have not only broken down but also broke the people in the relationship.
There is hardly any consistencies in life except to expect the unexpected. Right?
Anyway, I'd be there, putting on my best dress and most radiant smile (might need bit of make up in this) to celebrate this particular vow.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:36
June 09, 2005
One of those rare moments.I stared at her blog, speechless for a minute or so, jaws slightly open, eyes wide, nodding my head thoughtfully.
I had this sudden urgent need to do 2 things.
1. Tell her how very very very impressed I am.
2. Stop writing in my blog for a few days, cos honestly, it sounds more mundanely boring here than there.
Period.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:01
June 08, 2005
I can't be shrinking all the time!!!I met Lao-ge just now. It's been awhile since we last met up for a drink and some good catching up. He passed a remark that got me depressed momentarily and got me started on trying to defend myself and then, of cos, told him 'forget it, let's not talk about this issue anymore'.
He said, 'You look thinner than the last time I saw you.' Now, he says that every time we meet! So, how true can that be? If he's right everytime, I should be as heavy as a fly now! So, he qualified and said that he thought I was looking my best late last year. I looked more, I quote him, proportionate. Well? Thank you.
I honestly think it's to do with my clothes. Sometimes I wear clothes that flatter me more, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wear clothes that conceal the fact that I've rather long limbs (yes, long legs... nananibooboo) and a shorter upper torso. Sometimes I feel like, well, just wearing something, anything for modesty's sake.
But! Whatever the case, I am going to resume my morning-and-night-milk. Cos the last time I found myself gaining a miserable 2 kg, I was drinking milk everyday.. and quite a number of cheesecakes.
xxx
What do I want?Lao-ge said he used to know what I want when he just got to know me. That was 7 years ago. He asked what do I want, in a partner. He couldn't tell now.
I asked him what did he think I wanted 7 years ago?
He said I was more innocent and naive then. I probably wanted a fairytale like romance, an idealistic relationship. He's probably right. And, in many ways, I think I had those.
For now, I want nothing more than to be responsible for my own happiness and stay on my 'earthing line' and the good company of a few cherished ones, like himself.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:57
I respect lives.My weight has never deemed me suitable to donate blood. And I'm thinking it would be a feat to meet that particular requisite in the few coming years. However, I've always respected life. And if I could, I don't mind giving my blood to propagate living.
Hence, technically, I didn't murder any mosquitoes yesterday at Pulau Ubin. I really didn't. It was ah girl who did the murdering. I was just the bait.
25 mouthfuls of blood from my limbs and my back. I might have considered murdering if any one of those mozzies had stopped on my nose.
Pulau Ubin again, anyone?
xxx
Sleeping on a ropeShould be of no difficulty to me. I don't know I would be considered a heavy or light sleeper. I, however, have been told that I'm a dainty slipper. I mean, sleeper. Someone good to share a small bed with cos I, together with my hands and legs, stay where I fell asleep at. I would wake up at the same spot (+/- 5cm) the next morning.
xxx
The missing thumb driveThe mystery has... not been solved. I still can't find my thumb drive. Actually, it's no big deal except I lost a few photos and a few mp3s and have no means of saving my photo slide presentation for the school to transfer back to my work desk in school.
I dreamt that Hugo ate it. He's a dog with micro-chip.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:36
Dog show @ Home, every day, please be woken by 8amMy dad would come back from his morning shift around 9am. In the past, when I had school holidays, and therefore by default, will sleep in beyond my working hours, I was often annoyed when he came back and started talking to me, or talking on the phone. He's not a soft-spoken man. And honestly, I didn't appreciate having to cope with so many sensory inputs when my toes have not even woken up.
This holiday, something has changed. I've no reason to get annoyed at my dad anymore. Because something else, or some-things else, have been doing the job absolutely well. At 8am. By 8am. Something my sister calls 'The daily dog battle show'. She obviously contemplated about making it into a block event and then, collecting some money from the uncles and aunties at the void-deck who might be amused by the show.
Starring... Hugo (that's the mini pin) and Sydney (that's the schnauzer)! I think the two either get along very well underneath their bickering and fighting exterior or they hate each other's guts (or smell). The object of trigger is often a ball, a soft toy (proudly sponsored by my sister) or each other's tail.
I guess I may have enjoyed the show too, if only they didn't bark as much as they did (and hugo didn't growl as loudly as he did). Or, if I wasn't trying to complete my sleep cycle of 7 hours a day.
Today, horror of horrors, came a new dog. A Jack Russell, whom I call 'dogdog'. My dad (who else...) found it at the market this morning. He brought it back home ('what else could I have done?'). Dogdog is female. Hugo and Sydney are male. 'Enuf said.
I walked her around the market and left my contact details for the owner. I hope she comes and pick her up soon. Not that I hate Dogdog. On the contrary, she's very adorable and very friendly and she doesn't bark (not as much as the two permanent stars of the show anyway). However, I don't have a secret desire to wake up to more barking and growling at 8am every morning for the rest of this holiday.
Really, Hugo, Sydney and my father are quite enough. The males in my life... what would I not do without them?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:15
June 04, 2005
But then again...She said there's nothing much I can do that will get her upset cos I'm her zui zui qing ai de.
I don't want to take advantage of that.
Sorry, ah girl, if I upset you with my cranky identity crisis. Sometimes, I do get carried away with my own sense of humor and own idea of fun. Stop me when that happens.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:32
June 03, 2005
CPRI wonder if CPR is necessary for people whose heartbeart skips a beat quite easily. Or maybe what they need is some sedative, ideally in the form of food like cheesecake, egg... no, no bananas.
xxx
Semicolon ;It's when a sentence is finished, and yet not quite. Like... how you have to say 'byebye' but not quite.
I think age has made the line between ending and beginning somewhat unclear. The good thing is, it doesn't matter so much anymore too.
xxx
Wherein lies LiesI guess you can't please everyone in an organization, like you can't in life. Still, we try. Of course, we make some mistakes. Then, we learn from it. Then, we learn to be more careful the next time.
But, when it comes to knowing a person's true colours, the next time could just be as bad. Nothing unexpected, nothing too shocking. Take it as it comes. The rest, we never had control over too.
xxx
A familiar junctionI always think that I know what's important in a job to me. I think I've been reasonably lucky so far. I always get excellent company from my co-workers.
I always think that the people you work with and the people who work with you can make or break the job, no matter how much you hate or love your job.
I don't quite know where I'm going in this 'path'. I, however, know that I have the only vote to be cast for my own future.
xxx
Secret loversHeard this song this morning over radio that was being played by another colleague (who I thought, may I add, was turning the volume a bit too loud for the auditory comfort of the rest of us around her).
Suddenly the chorus rang in my ears. I thought I would just jot it down.
xxx
A higher order of insanityI am an undiagnosed sufferer.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:19
June 01, 2005
Positive or negative, it's still a denialA house (or a family), smiley faces all round, books for knowledge, thinking (not of cheesecakes), mirror images, death and peace, a burning ice-cream (ironies).
xxx
So, i decided...that at the end of the day, who gives a damn? Do what you were meant to do at the time that was meant for you. And if I had needed you to tell me what to do, I would have asked you.
Now, excuse me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:48